I recently took a trip to Denver for a two-day gig. Despite the fact that nothing really went wrong, the portions of the trip that involved airplanes and airports were incredibly unpleasant. I drove to the Cincinnati airport, and easily found the remote parking lot. In fact, the shuttle bus was waiting for me as I closed my trunk. The parking people did a great job and were very efficient, but I was a little worried that I was going to get hassled about my carry-on hat box not qualifying as a “personal item”. I was also a little preoccupied with dealing with my new fold-up mini luggage cart that I bought in order to avoid the $25 fee for a second piece of checked luggage. Neither thing was a big deal, but they added a little stress to my life.

Check-in went smoothly, and there was no line, but I had to futz with my new cart (that I only bought to avoid airline fees), and that took a little time and added a little stress. The flight out was uneventful, but I was feeling especially crammed-in for some reason this time. There was a small touch screen in the back of the seat in front of me that allowed me to watch movies for free, and that was awesome… the high point of the flying experience for sure.

Once I got into Denver I had to find my rental car. Despite the fact that my car reservation said that I should check in at the rental car desk in baggage claim, there was no desk. I went out and waited for the shuttle, and had to wait for the second one since the first one couldn’t fit everyone on it. After getting off the shuttle and walking into the rental car office I was reminded of how crushingly sad those places can be. I intentionally didn’t go with the cheapest rental car company I could find in the hopes of avoiding exactly this scene. Everyone was unhappy. The floor was dirty, and matched the unimpressive decor. The line moved at a snail’s pace, and the cloud of black sadness hung over everyone’s heads. There was a bit of a bright spot at the table where they were giving away free hot dogs and water, but it didn’t have the power to light up the whole place. When it was my turn, I went up to the desk and tried to chat with the woman behind the counter, as I always do in a service situation, but she wanted nothing to do with me. I even cracked a lame joke in the hope of making our exchange a little less depressing.

“When I made the reservation online I asked for a big yellow school bus. I assume that won’t be a problem.” I said with a straight face.

She acknowledged my joke without smiling or laughing. As she continued to work we both stood there in silence in the thickening haze of oppressive sadness. Ordinarily, even if your joke isn’t funny, people appreciate the effort. Not this time. Maybe she had heard it a million times, but I know that I laughed at many an unfunny joke when I worked in customer service. It was an intense relief to get out of there. I can’t imagine the toll it would take on you to actually work in that kind of environment every day.

The trip home was more of the same (but this time without the awesome movie screen in the back of the seat in front of me). This flight was filled with an unusual number of very active, very loud children. Most of the time I really don’t mind kid noise. I work as an entertainer who often performs for children. However, there are times when it is not appropriate for a non-stop yell fest. One of those times is on a three and a half hour flight with 200 of your closest strangers. The father behind me had no control over his children. He would shush them, and 1-2 seconds later they would be yelling again. I know it was that long because I counted. As a result, I wore earplugs from the moment I sat down, to the moment I got off the plane. The trip to the remote parking lot was reasonably pleasant, but it did take about 45 minutes to get to my car. Once again, not a huge deal, but it all ads up.

What really drove the point home was when I finally got to sit in my own car again. I still had a six hour drive ahead of me so you wouldn’t think I would be happy to be in my car… but it was fantastic. It was quiet. There were no strangers sitting too close to me. I could sit with my legs apart if I wanted to. I could get things out of my pockets or my bag without having to contort my body in strange and uncomfortable ways. I could play my own music. I could talk on my phone. But maybe most importantly, I could leave right now, on my own schedule, and I could drive directly to where I was going. There would be no overly-loud announcements, the temperature would be just right, and I could actually relax. I never would’ve expected that the beginning of a 6-hour drive, after having already been traveling for 6 hours, could feel like vacation. It did. And let me tell you, it was a great drive home.

All of the things I have complained about here are really small annoyances, but for me on this trip they added up to an incredibly unpleasant experience. I guess I finally reached my limit. I disliked it so much that it actually made me reconsider flying in general. I travel a lot, and it is very easy for me to book a ticket for a distant trip or gig. Generally I hop in the car if it’s within about an 8 hour drive, and I don’t really want to try to drive more, but I certainly don’t want to fly more. I think it’s time to really focus on getting local work, and to try to stay off the airlines as much as I can. I don’t know what has happened to the air travel industry, but I am fairly certain that I’m the one who has to modify my behavior, because the industry isn’t going to change.

Back in the era before fax machines and cell phones there was less demand for phone numbers. Most people had one phone number that was shared with their whole family, and another one (or several) at work shared with all their colleagues. Now, not only do individuals often have multiple phone numbers, but they are getting them at an earlier age. Teenagers do love their cell phones.

Also, I have heard that when you disconnect a number, it used to sit idle for a while so that the new owner didn’t get the old number’s calls. But now due to intense demand for numbers, the idle time has been greatly reduced, and they are cycled back into service much sooner.

In our era of decreased personal responsibility and increased personal debt, combined with a rough economy, there are inevitably more people who are living so far above their means that they can’t pay their bills. Here come the collection agencies. Collection must be a huge industry now, so they are using technology to streamline their operations. They now use a recording to call my new house rather than a real person.

The result is an endless barrage of often early-morning calls that don’t even have a person on the other end when I answer. Sometimes it’s a recording asking for someone I’ve never heard of, asking me to “Press 1 if you are… Sylvaniar ******; press 2 if you’re not.” The problem here, is that there is no option for “You have the wrong number” and there is no one there to talk to so I can explain the situation. So if I press 2, they will just call back another time. I hang up.

The one that annoyed me the most so far was a recorded voice that said, “Please hold for an important phone call!”, then made me wait on the line until someone picked up and said,

“May I help you?”
“You called me!”
“May I speak to Sylvaniar?”
“You have the wrong number.”
“Do you know Sylvaniar?”
“I have never even heard of anyone with that name before you started calling me.”
“Ok, thank you.”

Today I was woken up by an early morning call that I didn’t answer because I was sure it was a collection agency. When I checked my voice mail there was a message from “Bob Isaac” with a toll-free number. I was fairly certain that “Bob” didn’t exist, but I called the number in the hopes that I could get them to stop calling me. The first thing that happened was a recording asked me to enter my Social Security number. That was scary. I didn’t do it. I bet a lot of people do though, and I wouldn’t be surprised if identity thieves use the same tactic. Of course it turned out that there was no Bob Isaac, and of course I didn’t know who Evan was, so maybe they will stop calling.

So far I have gotten calls for Sylvaniar, Evan, Linda, and Grace. I wouldn’t have thought that many people could have had this phone number recently enough, and gone into collection, for me to get this many calls… but they did… and that’s the world we now live in.

When I was hired they told me that the president had done a few yo-yo tricks at one of the parties in the past, and after my show today he came up to chat. His name is Bill Browne, and he told me that 30 years ago he and a friend set the world record for the longest session of continuous yo-yoing. They went to a radio station and yo-yoed for something like 30 hours straight! I didn’t get as much information about the event as I would have liked so I went home, got online, and checked out the Guinness Book of World Records site. I didn’t link to it because it is not worth your time. There are almost no records to be found on the site despite the fact that they have a search box, so don’t even bother. I can list more world records from memory than I was able to find in my searches of their site. I KNOW that there are more than 6 records in the category of “food” for example.

Anyway, the more I’ve thought about it the more I’m intrigued by this “longest continuous yo-yoing” record. I may just have to contact Bill again and see if I can get more information.

MadFest is the annual regional juggler’s convention that is held each January in Madison Wisconsin. I have helped organize it to one degree or another since it started. For the last six years I have been in charge of the Public Show.

This year, as usual, we had a fantastic show. We had great jugglers like Luke Wilson (Brittish, living in Germany) and the Dew Drop Jugglers (Minneapolis/St. Paul MN) and we had great variety acts like The Rope Warrior (Chicago) and the Flybar Pogo Stick Demo Team (Chicago/Ohio), and sold out our 1300 seat theater once again. It’s always a challenge convincing people to go to the show, but once they go they are usually astonished at how great it was. For the most part, once people have seen the show they make it a family tradition to go every year. Initially it was frustrating to me that people didn’t seem to believe me that the show was going to be good enough to be worth seeing. I eventually got over the fact that not everyone thinks juggling is as cool as I do, although that never seemed like the whole story. This year I think I have seen the light, and my frustration has changed to a slightly different form: I think that American society no longer believes that live entertainment is worth the trouble.

I don’t know exactly where this lack of faith comes from, and of course there are exceptions like Broadway and rock concerts, but for the most part Americans won’t make the effort to see live shows. In our modern society people tend to be more isolated from their neighbors than ever before. There is more fear than ever about the dangers of the wide world outside (sometimes justifiably), and that is combined with less reason to leave the home to find high quality entertainment. People just don’t go out as much as they used to. With the amazing advances in technology we can have more top-quality entertainment at our fingertips than we will ever have time for. But, in my opinion, nothing can ever beat being in the audience of a great live show. Ever. This is where Chris Bliss comes in. Stick with me though, I’ll get back to him in a minute.

I have long wondered why the great old vaudeville theaters are so grand, and modern theaters are usually so boring. For a while I thought it was just the style at the time, or that we don’t value ornate buildings anymore, but that’s not it. I have been reading a history of Vaudeville called “No Applause, Just Throw Money” by Trav S.D. and it has shed some light on this question. It all comes down to money. When the great Vaudeville theaters were built, Vaudeville WAS the entertainment industry. The whole thing… or nearly so anyway. The content of the shows was always changing and the customer never completely knew what they were going to see. As a result, one of the only ways the theater had to bring people to their shows, and not those of their competitor across the street, was to build a fantastic theater that people wanted to come to. Part of the reason that it was worth the expense was that live performance was the only game in town. Radio was in its infancy and television did not yet exist, so if you wanted entertainment you went out to the theater. It was a big market.

Ok, back to Chris Bliss. One of the reasons his video was such a big hit is that it struck at just the right cultural moment. Many jugglers complained that his performance was not particularly good because the juggling wasn’t difficult, but there is no question that it was a great performance if you listen to the reaction of the crowd. Although I think that with fairly little effort Chris Bliss could make that routine a lot better, it is definitely a great performance, and if the point is to make a living, a great performance is the most important thing of all.

The Chris Bliss video is not a live performance, but it is a recording of a live performance, and the reaction of the crowd is infectious even through a computer monitor. So what the video turns out to be is a live performance that happens to be in just the right format to get in front of millions of people who don’t go out to see live performance, and they loved it.

That is exactly why the Chris Bliss phenomenon was so frustrating. I do not know Chris Bliss. I have nothing against him or his performance. If we were friends I would give him some constructive criticism, and he might or might not take it. I have seen many, many truly great performances in my time as a working professional entertainer, and as an avid attendee of juggler’s conventions; what frustrates me is that my knowledge of great live performances shouldn’t be anything special. It should be something that all Americans have in common. We have an astonishing number of truly great live entertainers in this country, and most people don’t know it. If we had a successful network of cabarets and other smaller more accessible live entertainment venues like they have in Germany, the Chris Bliss phenomenon would not have happened because Americans would already know that great live entertainment exists. There are many great performers from around the world who live and work in Germany because there are so many performing opportunities, and Germans appreciate live performance.

By the popularity of the TV show America’s Got Talent it seems as though there is some demand in this country for variety arts, but that show will not be the one to deliver it to us. After reading some of their legal documents, and talking to former contestants, it is clear that the show was created to find musicians and sign recording contracts.

I know how convenient it is to not have to leave your home to get a movie, or how easy it is to just flip on the TV and find something great to watch, but I think that American society as a whole is really missing out on a great resource that is within easy reach. What we need now is a venue for it, and to get up off our collective butts and see some great shows.

resources:

Chris Bliss Diss video by Jason Garfield. This one got a LOT of heat, and made it to the national news. It is from the viewpoint of a highly technical juggler.

Amazing Juggling Video. Perhaps the best juggling video I have ever seen. Keep in mind that videos and performances are not the same thing.

What’s going on here?!? Are retailers really that desperate, or is this a sign of the disintegration of modern society and the onset of Armageddon? I mean really… September is the start of Christmas? Come on! We’re not even in the same financial quarter as Christmas yet. Maybe I’m getting cranky at an early age, but I think this is SICK and WRONG.

For those of you who are in an accelerated holiday state, you may have already started thinking about pumpkin carving. If so, I can be of service. I have amassed some pumpkin carving tricks and tips for the betterment of mankind. And please… let’s all try to remember that there are still two major holidays BEFORE we get to Christmas.

First of all, I should say that I am really glad that this show is on the air. Even with all of my complaining, America’s Got Talent showcases variety arts and is good for all of us in the live entertainment industry. But there are a lot of serious problems. Click here to see my original rant on this subject.

Of course this show has been the subject of a lot of conversations in the juggling, yo-yoing, and performance communities, and one thing we were all in agreement on before tonight’s episode aired was that there was no way that a non-musical group could EVER win. Obviously the producers knew that too because they waited to give the judges picks on some of the semi-finalist shows until they had seen who the audience picked. With lay-people as judges you can never have a level playing field between music and variety acts. No one understands what is involved in putting together a good variety routine, and that’s fine, but the problem is that almost everyone knows how hard it is to be a good singer, and music has an emotional connection that nothing else can match. I realize that American Idol is not open to some of the acts that were on America’s Got Talent, but the fact that a variety act could NEVER win makes it look as thought the show producers think all variety artists are just really good filler. As long as music is a part of the competition no variety artist should ever enter if they actually want to win. They may get some great promo, but they will never win.

There was a moment on the final show that made me really, really angry. When Regis told the bottom five acts that they hadn’t made it he did it in a very tasteful way, but when he told the 4th and 5th runners-up that they weren’t the winners he did it in one of the most cruel and callous ways I have ever seen. Here’s the exact quote:

“Ok, so now which one of them gets the million dollars? And the answer is: neither of them. They are both runners-up.”

I’m sure they think that is good TV, but it’s just insensitive, and mean. Using that wording says to these poor guys standing there that one of their two acts is the winner. To bring them up like that only to tear them down a few seconds later is not entertaining, it’s horrible. There is no excuse for that behavior. Aside from being astonishingly heartless, it also promotes the idea that cruelty is good entertainment. I thought we got past that when we as a society banned dog-fighting and public executions. In the final moments of any big competition, it is critical that the wording be just right.

Another problem I have is a format problem. This is one that my friend David Fisher (the Rope Warrior… he’s awesome) brought up. As a contestant, if you make it through to the end of the show you will have performed 3 times. They want you to do your best stuff first (to get through preliminaries) and then to keep getting better. It’s easy to do that on American Idol where you are dealing with amateurs who can improve with the help of the professional coaches the show provides, but with variety acts many of the skills have taken years to perfect. You can’t expect to get vastly better in just a few weeks… especially if you showed your best stuff first. Also, the fact that the acts are limited to two minutes means that we are not seeing a lot of the best that they have to offer. The Passing Zone compressed a really nice chainsaw juggling routine into just a few seconds in order to cram it into their allotted time. I’ve seen the whole thing, and it’s a great routine, so it’s a real shame the format of America’s Got Talent would never allow it to be seen.

The winner, unfortunately, was predictable. I think that for the general public the combination of a cute little girl, combined with good musical (not variety) talent was absolutely irresistable. Bianca Ryan is a great singer, but if she were 35 instead of 12 she would not have won. In fact, I bet that she wouldn’t have even made it into the finals.

What do I want? I would like to see primarily musical acts (Dave the Horn Guy doesn’t count in my book) excluded or separated from the variety artists. I would like the acts to have more time for at least one of their routines, and then have an edited version aired on the show. But more than anything I would like to see qualified judges next time around (and we all know there will be a next time). I think that at least two of the judges should be highly experienced variety greats like Penn & Teller or the Smothers Brothers. People who have experience in the industry they are judging, and are old enough to have real wisdom and the depth of experience that fosters sound evaluations. I would be ok with one of them being from the music industry (especially if they don’t separate the music acts in the competition) but you have to have qualified judges. As an entertainer I have certain things that I hear over and over from lay people about my act and about other variety acts. I heard some of those things from the judges on America’s Got Talent, and that was sad to me. I sincerely hope that the show airs again and that they make some improvements. If they don’t make any improvements, you can expect to hear more rants from me. ;)

I’ll warn you now… this is a pretty massive rant.

First: They made the decision to not hire qualified judges.

The judges are:
- Brandy: an R&B/Pop singer. She’s great for the singers, but she doesn’t seem to have her own opinion on anything else, and is easily swayed by the other two judges.

- David Hasslehoff: an American Pop singer who is not popular in his own country, so he has no handle on the cultural tastes here where the show is being done. He is not famous for being a great actor, he is famous for being a campy actor who takes himself very seriously. So I don’t think his acting career gives him any credibility as a judge, in fact, I think it takes credibility away. As for the music… you’re just going to have to ask the Germans. It makes no sense to me.

- Piers Morgan: a journalist. That’s it. As far as I can tell, his only qualification is that he knows Simon Cowell, the producer, and he is willing to voice his opinion. I don’t care how many famous people he knows, according to his bio on the NBC website, he has no experience in the entertainment industry other than creating some unrelated television shows.

At least from the first show, the judges have massive biases that are in some cases contradictory to evaluating variety entertainers.

- David Hasslehoff hates jugglers. This first one irks me especially since I am a juggler. Although he did like Vladik, he HATED Ivan Pecel even after Ivan got a standing ovation from the studio audience. Once again, not in touch with American culture.

- Piers Morgan seems to hate anything that is intentionally ridiculous. He consistently hit his buzzer anytime anyone did something to the effect of putting underwear on their head. It’s as if he’s afraid that liking something ridiculous will make him seem like a child and no one will respect him anymore.

This next point is pretty nebulous, but I got the feeling that unlike the judges on American Idol, who for the most part were correct and fair, with the judges on America’s Got Talent it was all about them. I can’t give any solid evidence to this, but their comments rarely seemed selfless, and it felt like they thought we should all be really thankful that we have them as judges to keep out all the wretched hacks.

Second: America’s Got Talent’s casting call was malicious. They asked for anyone and everyone to audition, and even gave the impression to a lot of people that they weren’t looking for professional acts to apply. I only found out that they were looking for pro acts by calling and asking them. Apparently at some point they realized this error though because they spent a lot of time calling entertainers as audition time got closer.

After seeing the first show we can see why the casting call was malicious. The only reason they wanted amateurs to audition is so that they could have someone to mock on national television. I understand that’s what makes good TV, but that doesn’t make it right. It’s clear after seeing the first show that what they really wanted all along was a professional, polished, big exciting act that is ready to go.

Finally: My last point it the thing that makes me more angry than anything else. They don’t even watch the acts. They’ve gone to all this trouble of auditioning, bringing people out to the theater they rented, paying techs, advertising, and on and on, and then they buzz someone after 10 seconds. On several occasions it wasn’t even clear what the person was going to do yet. I realize that some of this may just be in the editing, but there is no way for us to know that for sure. To me it just looks like they are intentionally being callous and condescending to make the show seem edgy.

All of this adds up to me being extremely glad I didn’t audition to go on the show. It was a hard decision. I wasn’t sure if I was just being a baby at first, until I looked at the possible outcomes.

Best-Case:
Even in the best-case scenario I know from watching American Idol and 30 Seconds to Fame that my act couldn’t possibly win, it’s too low-key. So best-case is that I get some good press and a great line on my resume. But even if I could win, of course I would love to have a million dollars, but for many reasons I’m not going to get into, this is the wrong time in my life to have a show in Vegas.

Worst-Case:
I do the audition, and make a mistake (as we all do on occasion). I don’t get on the show, but they use the footage of my screw-up on every commercial, and every promo, and in the opener of every show (just like they are now doing with a juggler and a giant balloon guy). Lots of people see it, and for a while I am known as the guy who can’t do his own show, AND I don’t get paid for my time, AND I have to turn down work to make time for the audition.

To me the worst-case is not only far more likely, but also a lot more bad than the best-case is good. After watching the show once I knew that I had made the right decision.

All in all, I’m glad that there are variety artists on TV, I’m glad that some of my friends made it on to the second round, and I suspect that the show will be good for all entertainers because it will get the general public thinking about us; and that will probably help business for everyone. And when it comes right down to it, I’m still going to watch the show.